Verbatim Report #1

Church of the Resurrection

Intern’s Verbatim Report

I have the pleasure of being able to communicate with one of our younger parishioners via online messaging systems (both msnmessenger and skype). This has the advantage of preserving all conversations for greater facility in creating this verbatim report.

This conversation took place after a birthday party that was held for another one of our congregants, who through misadventure, manage to miss his own celebration.

Excerpted transcript is as follows:

Created on 2006-05-04 16:15:10.

2006-04-30

Andrea: 16:35:21

hey - check this out!

Andrea: 16:35:22

http://www.ontariorenaissancefaire.ca/

Lulu at the Rez: 16:36:14

k

Lulu at the Rez: 16:40:16

ohhh that looks like fun!

Lulu at the Rez: 16:40:19

we need to go! :P

Andrea: 16:41:10

yep. no posted dates for 2006 yet

Andrea: 16:41:21

i have it bookmarked and will keep checking back though

Lulu at the Rez: 16:41:57

k...

Lulu at the Rez: 16:42:06

i totally would love to go if a group is going!

Andrea: 16:42:15

heck - i'd go anyway!

Andrea: 16:42:28

who could say no to jesters, wenches and men with bagpipes??

Andrea: 16:42:31

(chuckle)

Lulu at the Rez: 16:43:02

....ya... and men in tights! :P

Andrea: 16:43:59

so are we losing you the salvation army??? (chuckle)

Lulu at the Rez: 16:44:36

NO.......

Lulu at the Rez: 16:44:41

they are too young!

Andrea: 16:44:42

:D

Lulu at the Rez: 16:44:54

:)

Andrea: 16:44:59

there may be others. young men travel in packs, i hear ]:)

Lulu at the Rez: 16:45:58

ya... this is true...

Lulu at the Rez: 16:46:09

we'll see what happens..but i'm thinking i'm just too ugly for dating.

Andrea: 16:46:34

hon - that is about as far from "true" as you can get!!!

Lulu at the Rez: 16:46:46

ummm no it isn't.

Andrea: 16:46:46

you are a very lovely woman, easy on the eyes....

Lulu at the Rez: 16:46:49

nope...

Lulu at the Rez: 16:46:56

but that's ok.. i'm cool with it...

Lulu at the Rez: 16:47:02

u dont' need to try to change the way life is for me!

Andrea: 16:47:19

i am gald you are - but it don't make it true. remember, i am 38 and still single!!

Andrea: 16:47:24

but i have learned one thing

Andrea: 16:47:29

it's not up to us

Andrea: 16:47:34

it's up to God

Andrea: 16:47:38

(blush)

Lulu at the Rez: 16:47:50

yeppers

Andrea: 16:47:54

we just have to go along with His plans for us (chuckle)

Lulu at the Rez: 16:48:07

yeppers...

Andrea: 16:48:14

here's a laugh: i am convinced aliens are following me around and abducting men that have any interest in me

Lulu at the Rez: 16:50:17

weird boys are weird...

Lulu at the Rez: 16:50:22

i don't want them!

Lulu at the Rez: 16:50:32

just some sex.. then it's all good LOL

Andrea: 16:50:54

(chuckle)

Andrea: 16:51:33

the only guys that stick around me have nose hair so aggressive it looks like an ingrown moustache

Andrea: 16:51:44

and one whose breath knocks buzzards out of trees

Lulu at the Rez: 16:51:47

nice... i just get guys that want to sleep with me

Lulu at the Rez: 16:51:55

and that's not really what i'm looking for

Andrea: 16:52:14

no-one is. the older i get, the more i think God might be right about that too!

Andrea: 16:52:17

(chuckle)

Andrea: 16:52:19

who knew?

Lulu at the Rez: 16:52:35

.....yep......but it could be a lot of fun!

Andrea: 16:52:58

yeah, but as you know, guys who get that don't stick around

Andrea: 16:53:01

(blush)

Lulu at the Rez: 16:53:22

ya but it still could be fun...

Lulu at the Rez: 16:53:22

:P

Andrea: 16:53:30

(chuckle)

Andrea: 16:53:56

i think i personally am too old for that kind of 'fun'.

Lulu at the Rez: 16:54:16

i betta not be too old for that fun!

Lulu at the Rez: 16:54:20

at your age!

Lulu at the Rez: 16:54:38

;)

Andrea: 16:55:04

i mean 'extramarital' sex. i don't think you are ever too old to enjoy a husband, though!

Andrea: 16:55:07

(chuckle)

Lulu at the Rez: 16:55:23

.....that's what i meant too!

Andrea: 16:55:32

i am too old to 'mess around'. like i said, i am starting to agree with God.

Andrea: 16:55:36

:P

Lulu at the Rez: 16:55:39

i know...

Lulu at the Rez: 16:55:46

i'm not into that scene...

Andrea: 16:55:47

not an easy choice though....

Lulu at the Rez: 16:56:18

ya.... well my own experience didn't really make me want to jump back at it any time soon! LOL

Andrea: 16:56:33

yes!! i think its a matter of self respect, too

Andrea: 16:56:41

why give away the milk for free? as they say

Andrea: 16:56:48

we need men who will buy the cow

Andrea: 16:56:51

(chuckle)

Lulu at the Rez: 16:57:22

yep... i'm not messing around with anyone ever again.

Andrea: 16:57:44

amen! me neither

Andrea: 16:58:01

so i am just going to wait and trust that in His own time God will send me the right man

Andrea: 16:58:16

and in the mean time, i am going to a lot of renaissance faires

Andrea: 16:58:23

to look at men in tights

Andrea: 16:58:25

(chuckle)

Lulu at the Rez: 16:58:39

....lol

Lulu at the Rez: 16:58:41

it's all good!

Andrea: 16:58:55

it is indeed. especially if they are pirates

Andrea: 16:59:00

(clap)

Lulu at the Rez: 17:01:05

lol...i'm thinking it might be fun to take lots of photos!

Andrea: 17:01:19

of....pirates??

Lulu at the Rez: 17:02:18

well yes.. and other things at the fairs... :P

Andrea: 17:02:26

(clap)

Andrea: 17:02:29

i get copies!!

At this point in the conversation, I was sent an email by Lulu with the details of her Breast Cancer Fund Raising efforts. There was no further online conversation.

Reflection:

The key points that jump out at me from a pastoral point of view are Lulu’s feelings that she is “too ugly to date” and the notion of Christian chastity and the church.

Both are tied in together. I will admit to the ability to relate to Lulu’s feelings of ‘being too ugly’ and not wanting to date. In my twenties, and well into my thirties, I struggled with a weight problem and became a huge champion of the right to be a “BBW” (a big beautiful woman) in our culture. It’s a losing battle. In my mid thirties, however, I came to the conclusion that the “BBW” approach was counter-intuitive, as obesity was a health problem and not something to be lifted up and glorified. So I decided to shed some weight for the good of my health while I was young enough for it to have some benefits to my wellbeing.

In losing 50lbs, I underwent several life changing epiphanies; some good, some bad, most terribly disappointing. I was quite satisfied with myself as a reasonably intelligent woman with a decent education who could hold her own in a conversation though it ranged through a number of topics and issues. However, pretty girls got the boys.

For years I prayed to God “please make me pretty so the boys will like me”. After months of dieting and gradual weight loss, I awoke one day to discover that God had sorta answered my prayers: while I will never be a beauty, I discovered that at the very least I now fit into ‘conventional aesthetic norms’: i.e., while no means a willow tree, I was now thin enough to date.

This changed my entire viewpoint. I had gone from being the “girl with the great personality/sense of humour” to something else entirely. What was deeply disappointing to me, however, was that suddenly, the “boys” didn’t care much about my views on predestination, speculative fiction, German existentialist film or the chances of the St George Illawarra Dragon’s in this year’s finals. Conversation had become banal and centered around one thing: when are we gonna get into bed together?

I encountered this mechanism once again alive and well as I tried to “set up” a fireman friend of mine with Lulu. While Greg is an enormous man, he balked when he saw Lulu’s photo, and politely declined on the grounds that he had always been more attracted to slender girls. This left me in the awkward position of concocting a story to spare Lulu’s feelings; but in doing so I found that I had to struggle with feelings of my own.

The old questions emerged: how does your physical appearance change who you are inside? Is a heavy person of less worth than a thin one? Is physical beauty to be exalted? What heppens when age robs you of the beauty of your youth?

The old resentments resurfaced: fine. Its your loss. YOU are the one missing out on a great gal, not me!

The old fears arose: if I am thin now, and I gain weight later, will he love me less?

I was surprised and dismayed at the childlike tenor of these feelings, but I cannot dismiss their validity as they enable me to relate on an intimate level with several female congregants. However, the issue goes far deeper than that when culture runs head first into scripture.

Over the last several months, I have wrestled with the ideas of being a Christian, single woman. I was raised in a post-free love culture where sexual liberty came to be viewed as a civil right. Extra-marital sex was not only condoned, it was actively encouraged. And it was wherever you looked. Even “Christians” came to find excuses to indulge. Reasons ranged from “well if the two people love each other then the sacrament of marriage is present” to “I am a good person. I am sure God will forgive me when the time comes; from some incredibly creative theological tap-dancing, to the outright ignoring of the scriptural witness.

God, however, takes a different view. Fidelity is a component of God’s character, and from God’s nature this commandment flows: as God is ever faithful to us, so should we ever be faithful to each other – especially in matters of intimacy.

Sadly, we live in a culture where physical beauty is pursued with a zeal approaching that of the accumulation of material wealth. Everyone needs to be beautiful, stunning, gorgeous – a SUPERMODEL. Those are the women men want, or so we are told. Intelligence, compassion, kindness, charity, duty, creativity, loyalty and the like are all fine and well in our society, as long as they wrapped up in a package that is “hott”.

Society has taught women that the only way that they will ever feel sexy, or realize they are sexy (which is the primary drive instilled in the teenaged girls of today, I believe) is to have sex. Admittedly, the logic is sound: if I am having sex, it follows that I am sexy.

So the conflict arises: if a woman that does not “fit into aesthetic convention” decides on a life of celibacy, she runs into several issues:

a) the enculturated attitude of many men that they are entitled to a woman of great beauty

b) the difficult question of “am I kidding myself? Am I celibate because I choose to be or do I tell myself that because I am too ugly to sleep with?”

c) the perceived attitudes of society: of COURSE she is celibate – who’d sleep with her?

The ego in this case suffers greatly, and I am not sure that in the climate of our culture – even our CHURH culture – scripture is sufficient to redeem it. A woman is at war with the NEED to know that her celibacy is a holy choice, not an excuse.

So, as I position myself in this broader context I am faced with several issues:

a) as the ‘intern’ at church, I have a certain standard to not only uphold, but to make evident. As a single woman, and one who is actively pursuing (though still struggling with) a celibate lifestyle, how can I stand as an example to other women that might be struggling with the same issue?

b) how does one demonstrate “not doing something anyone can see” by example anyway?

c) how do I struggle against the failings in my own nature that sometimes make me preachy, self-righteous, and sanctimonious in trying to communicate difficult truths in the bible?

d) and how do I reconcile the issues of self-worth and celibacy within myself?

These are not questions I have answers to yet – or rather I DO have answers, I simply need to determine if they are practical, relevant and effective; and I readily acknowledge that in our culture I may never come to any resounding conclusions in that regard. I realize that the Anglican Church has not chosen to make the issues of Christian celibacy a talking point, and so in that regard I am left largely to my own devices, and to seek advice outside of Anglicanism.

From a pastoral point of view, I would be comfortable coaching Lulu towards a Christian lifestyle through open and frank dialog, mutual support, self-reflection, prayer and ‘female empowerment’ ideas; but I am at a loss as to how I can help her with her issues of self esteem. I know from personal experience that the only thing that affirms sexiness is sex. No amount of your friends, your parents or colleagues telling you that you are beautiful can make up for the proof conveyed by experience.

This is a question for which have no answer, and I will frankly admit that it engenders within me deep feelings of helplessness, frustration and sorrow.