an apology - and you know who you are

bruce and i enjoy many discussions about theology, faith and religion. he has not only taught me much about subject and offered me differing perspectives, he's helped me learn the right way from the wrong way to question, explore and at times, differ outright.

you and i also had many such discussions, only we didn't much enjoy them.

why? well... its my fault actually.

as a theology student with a VERY expensive education, i often replied to your honest and thoughtful questions and comments as though i was possessed of the wisdom of the ages. i regret that.

i regret not making it perfectly clear that when i brought up a point of theology, it was not to make you seem like an ignorant fool, but rather to try to unpack a lesson i'd learned in class and was struggling to get my head around. i wish i'd asked your opinion more, and listened harder.

i regret not making it clear that when i contradicted you, it wasn't actually me contradicting you; but rather me bringing up a point that stood alongside the one you were making, one that sometimes honestly stood in direct opposition to it.

i regret every time i said "oh, no, that's not right! martin luther says............" instead of "i hear what you are saying. do you know, i was just reading something martin luther had to say on the subject and was wondering how you felt about it"

i am sorry that would say things like "well, reformation theology has come to the conclusion that......." rather than "well, this is what i have been taught. what is your understanding?"

i regret that my enthusiasm for my subject allowed me to run roughshod over 47 years of hard-won experience of living a christian life; i am sorry that my passion came across as arrogance and judgementalism.

i am deeply grateful to bruce for helping me learn the finer points of managing the minefield of theological debate; and i am grateful for your patience at my clumsy attempts to balance passion, enthusiasm and education and exploration.

you are both amazing men. i am very lucky to love you both.

what's this thing called, love?

loving him is the easy bit. in fact, i can't help it. he is so smart, so insightful and so generous in sharing himself, his mind and his heart with me.

one of the conversations we have had recently is one i find myself still reflecting on: the one in which he raised the difficult notion that sometimes, previous relationships that we have had - no matter how intense or emotive they were - may simply have been preparation for something better to come.

i think he has a tremendous point, because all the pain of the past has taught me not to love him (as i say, that has been the easiest part of it all), but it has taught me to appreciate him in ways i might never have without the lessons of history.

you see, i would never have come to appreciate the love and the Truth of Jesus Christ without having lived through the spiritual wasteland of paganism.

and so it is with him.

were it not for the painful lessons of the past, when we discuss faith and theology i'd never have learned to appreciate his thoughtful, introspective responses; his ease with the give-and-take of the open and unfettered exchange of ideas; or his faithful, gentle and loving spiritual leadership...

were it not for the painful lessons of the past, i'd never have appreciated a man that lives his life at the foot of the cross.

were it not for the painful lessons of the past, i'd never had learned to appreciate the way he builds me up. and i'd never have so thoroughly appreciated a man that takes it one step further and not only joins me in my passions, but shows me how its done!


were it not for the painful lessons of the past, i'd never have learned to appreciate being accepted and loved for who i am, and encouraged along my path.

were it not for the painful lessons of the past, i'd never have learned to appreciate his happily accepting coming second in my life, and my coming third in his.

if i'd never been repeatedly criticised for having more than one brain cell, i'd never have learned to appreciate being referred to as "a smart cookie"

if i'd never loved men who allowed their own insecurities to rob them of the joy they deserve, i'd never have learned to appreciate a man whose confidence lets him reach out and seize life and happiness by the short and curlies.

as deeply as i regret every moment of pain i have every inflicted on all my past loves; and as much as i struggle to forgive each and every one of them the hurts they have carved into my heart, i cannot help but be grateful for whatever passed between us, because if it had not, i might never have seen this man for the jewel and the gift he truly is.........