lost and found

a passing acquaintance and i were having a conversation about "men's spirituality", and the fact that in the modern world, and particularly in the christian paradigm - which lacks any sort of ritual that marks the transition point between childhood and manhood - men seem to have lost something critical. some basic component of their masculine identity has been laid by the wayside for reasons i can only guess at (and no doubt guess wrong) and i think that both men and women are the worse for it.

i like to think i am "in touch" with my femininity. granted, i have a very "male" outlook on the world (i am spiritually and politically conservative, i love science fiction and am called to traditionally male-oriented jobs), but i am also very happy being a "nurturer": i cook, i clean, i do laundry, i will run and fetch things for the person i love, take care of children, and move heaven and earth to secure a loved one a lazy sunday in bed. in no way do i feel that those tendencies compromise me as an individual in any way.

by the same token, i realize that more and more what i look for in a man are more "traditional" masculine traits: courage, forthrightness, candor, a fiercely protective nature, and yes, as unpopular as it may be to say, a measure of aggressiveness, combined with an enlightened and spiritual outlook on life. never having found those traits in men i have dated in the past (which naturally makes me question what it was i was looking for in a man), i was coming to despair of the fact that such a creature even existed.

now, i am not looking for the testosterone-fueled caveman that eats with his hands and beats his woman; but rather a man that is bold, courageous, willing to take chances, self-aware, gainfully employed, sensuous, artistic, a good provider and strong leader; a man who is powerful in many and diverse ways. but the older i get, and the more i become involved with men nearing or immersed in middle age, the more i realize how many of them have given up on their basic, masculine instincts simply to survive.

for better or for worse, i am a woman with more than two brain cells, and brain cells that occassionally bang together, and i have been told be several men that they find that intimidating. now, invariably it is intelligent men that tell me this (which makes it doubly disheartening and slightly ridiculous); so imagine my delight to meet a man that told me (no doubt with a twinkle in his eye) "oh i am not intimidated. i'm a big boy, i can take it..."

i am also someone, who by circumstance, can only become involved at this time in a long distance relationship. now, while that state of affairs is only temporary, (in my view) it affords two individuals the opportunity to thoroughly connect as people before the immediacy of physical intimacy becomes and issue. several men, again, have told me very politely that for differing reasons, they choose not to get involved with anyone they cannot poke in the ribs; so imagine my delight to meet a man that is unafraid to let himself be known as a spirit first and a body second; who is willing to flex that masculine courage and take a chance on letting someone really get to know him for who he is, first and foremost. it takes a ridiculous amount of courage for a man to let a woman get to know him as a person without that safety net of physicality to fall back on...

but faith and courage go hand in hand. being a Christian is just about the scariest, toughest thing anyone can do. having faith in the Lord, while invariably the right thing to do, is so much "easier said than done". imagine my delight to find someone that lives that faith out loud: that can look at a questionable situation, see the potential, and place his courage not only in God, but also in his God-given ability to manage a challenging situation and to turn it to his own advantage. it is devastatingly attractive to find a man that sees what he wants, and despite the apparent obstacles, lets nothing stand in his way...

now, take someone with those strong, sexy masculine traits, and make him a musician, a father, a poet and a spiritual warrior.

is it any wonder i am starting to feel like the luckiest woman on earth.......?